we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
