dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i've created a new STD.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
