all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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