I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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