Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
