she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
