People in love make me want to vomit
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
