when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
