Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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