I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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