i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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