Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
