oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
