why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
