He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
