Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
