I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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