So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
