We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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