The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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