my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
