I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
