i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you win again, gameday.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
