I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
