when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
