I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
