So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
