I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
