There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
last night I used snow as a chaser
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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