i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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