my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
