so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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