i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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