I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
