I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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