I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
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I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
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I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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