Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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