I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
