i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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