he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
