There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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