I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
