Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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