see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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