I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
