Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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