just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
