i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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