God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
