i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
