Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
