i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
