Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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