I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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