just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
