Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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