Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
