um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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