Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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